Featured Post from Retire with Equity

STOP GRANDSPLAINING AND START LISTENING!

Don't take my word for it!

Oct 2, 2024

7 min


"Grandsplaining" is a colloquial expression used to describe a situation where younger generations offer unsolicited advice to older individuals, often patronizing or condescendingly. It is not only disrespectful but has many adverse side effects, such as a communication barrier, emotional strain and family tension, fostering ageism stereotypes and diminishing elder self-esteem. Grandsplaining alternatives are suggested, including active listening, using empathy and understanding, avoiding assumptions, offering support, not solutions and asking open-ended questions.


The Disrespectful Impact of Condescending Advice on Seniors

When I helped older Canadians find ways to finance their retirements, I often witnessed interactions between family members and their elders. These conversations were not conversations; they were more like lectures. The adult relative would tell their elder what they thought should be done to free up cash flow. Things like, “You should downsize and buy a condo, sell and rent, and move in with family.” I assume that the family member wanted to be helpful, but the delivery and message were off-putting. I observed a look of disdain come over the Older Canadian’s face. It was clear that they felt patronized and found the advice not only condescending and obvious but not helpful. The whole encounter reminded me of the unpleasant experience of being “mansplained.” That is when I came up with the term “grandsplaining”.


Defining Grandsplaining

In an age where communication flows freely across digital platforms, I define "grandsplaining" as a colloquial expression to describe a situation where younger generations offer unsolicited advice to older individuals, often patronizing or condescendingly.


Grandsplaining typically involves a younger person explaining something to an older individual in a way that belittles their experience or intelligence. The term combines "grand" (suggesting age or status) and "splaining" (a slang term for condescendingly explaining something). While the intention behind such advice may often be well-meaning, the delivery can be patronizing, reinforcing stereotypes about aging and competence.


This behaviour can significantly undermine the dignity and autonomy of seniors, leading to feelings of frustration, resentment, and a sense of being marginalized. Understanding the nuances of grandsplaining sheds light on intergenerational dynamics and highlights the importance of mutual respect and understanding within our society. We must find a better, more respectful, and effective way to communicate with our elders considering retiring.


The phenomenon of grandsplaining can manifest in various contexts, not just financing retirement—whether it’s discussing technology, lifestyle choices, healthcare options, or even social norms. For instance, a grandchild might explain how to use a smartphone app to a grandparent, assuming that the older generation cannot understand it despite their own lifelong experience with technology in different forms.


Communication Breakdown

In an era where financial literacy and retirement planning are more crucial than ever, "grandsplaining" has become a significant barrier to effective communication between generations.


Retirees often feel overwhelmed or dismissed when their relatives provide unsolicited advice, especially if it contradicts their wants or financial strategies. This can lead to a reluctance to engage in discussions about finances, creating a rift that undermines the potential for collaborative planning. When adult children dominate conversations with preconceived notions of financial management, it stifles the opportunity for seniors to express their perspectives, share their knowledge, and collaborate on effective retirement strategies.


Generation Gap in Financial Understanding

The financial landscape has changed dramatically over the past few decades, with shifts in real estate markets, a lack of formal retirement plans, and longer life expectancies. Adult children may rely on outdated financial paradigms that no longer apply to their elder’s realities. This generational gap can lead to misguided advice that does not consider modern challenges such as retiring with debt, little or no pension income, or rising living costs.


Emotional Strain and Familial Tension

Grandsplaining can also introduce emotional strain and tension within families. When relatives impose their views, it can evoke frustration, resentment, or inadequacy in their elders. This dynamic can shift the conversation from one focused on financial empowerment to one steeped in emotional conflict and shame. Instead of fostering a supportive environment for discussing retirement goals, grandsplaining can create adversarial relationships where seniors feel belittled or pressured, further complicating an already sensitive topic.


Erosion of Autonomy

Another significant consequence of grandsplaining is the erosion of autonomy among older adults. Financial decisions are deeply personal and often intertwined with individual circumstances, goals, and values. When relatives insist on their methods or strategies, it can undermine the seniors’ independence, making them feel a lack of control over their finances. This loss of agency not only affects financial outcomes but can also impact the mental well-being of older adults, leading to feelings of incompetence or anxiety about their financial futures.


The Context of Ageism

Grandsplaining is deeply intertwined with ageism, a pervasive societal attitude that discriminates against individuals based on their age. Ageism manifests in various forms, including stereotypes that depict older adults as technologically inept, resistant to change, or incapable of learning. These stereotypes can lead to the marginalization of seniors within families and communities. Not cool!


The implications of ageism are particularly concerning in a rapidly changing world where technological advancements and social norms evolve at an unprecedented pace. While younger generations may genuinely wish to assist their elders in navigating these changes, how they do so can reinforce negative stereotypes rather than empower seniors. Grandsplaining highlights the generational divide, creating an "us versus them" mentality that hinders collaboration and mutual understanding.

When younger generations adopt a condescending tone, they inadvertently reinforce ageist stereotypes that portray older adults as out of touch or incapable. This affects individual relationships and perpetuates societal narratives devaluing older individuals' contributions and wisdom.


The Impact on Relationships

Grandsplaining can strain relationships between generations, fostering resentment and conflict. For many seniors, unsolicited advice can infringe on their autonomy, making them feel infantilized or disrespected. This dynamic can lead to defensive reactions, where seniors may withdraw from conversations or become less willing to engage with younger family members.

For younger generations, the intention behind their advice may stem from a desire to help or protect their elders. However, when this assistance is delivered condescendingly, it can backfire, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance. The resulting tension may prevent meaningful conversations about important topics, such as healthcare decisions or lifestyle changes, which are crucial for seniors' well-being.


The Psychological Impact on Seniors

The implications of grandsplaining extend beyond mere annoyance; they can have profound psychological effects on seniors. Being on the receiving end of condescending advice can lead to diminished self-esteem and increased feelings of inadequacy. Seniors may begin to internalize the belief that they are not capable of making sound decisions or understanding new concepts, which can further exacerbate issues related to aging, such as cognitive decline and depression.

Moreover, being "grandsplained" can engender feelings of alienation. Seniors might feel that their voices are not valued or that their perspectives are dismissed, leading to a breakdown in family communication and relationships.


Encouraging Respectful Communication

Addressing the issue of grandsplaining requires a concerted effort from both younger and older generations to cultivate respectful communication. Here are several strategies to foster more positive intergenerational interactions:

1. Active Listening: Younger individuals should prioritize active listening when engaging with seniors. This involves hearing what the older person says and validating their experiences and perspectives. Younger individuals can create a more respectful dialogue by acknowledging their knowledge and expertise.

2. Empathy and Understanding: Younger generations must approach conversations with empathy. Understanding seniors' challenges, such as health issues or technological gaps, can foster a sense of compassion. This approach can help bridge the generational divide and promote more constructive conversations.

3. Avoiding Assumptions: The tendency to assume that older adults are out of touch or incapable can lead to grandsplaining. Instead, younger individuals should avoid making assumptions about seniors’ knowledge or abilities. Asking questions like “What do you think about this?” or “How do you feel about that?” can empower seniors to share their insights and experiences.

4. Offering Support, Not Solutions: Ask questions like, “What does a successful retirement look like to you? How do you plan to finance your retirement? Do you want to stay in this home? Are you open to moving? If so, where? Do you have enough in savings? How can I support you in having an independent and dignified retirement”?

5. Ask open-ended questions. Don’t assume that the traditional strategies of downsizing, selling, renting, or moving in with family are reasonable solutions for your elder in today’s economic environment. These retirement strategies are problematic for today’s seniors. In most cases, downsizing only works financially if the retiree is willing to move to a smaller, more affordable community. Most seniors want to stay in their communities and not move away from family, friends, churches or familiar shops and services. Selling, renting or moving in with family requires the sale of their significant appreciating asset. Given today's longer life expectancies, it's not necessarily a wise choice. Ask open-ended questions such as: where do you want to live in retirement? How important is this community to you? How do you envision getting support as you age?


Conclusion

In conclusion, while the intentions behind grandsplaining may be rooted in love and concern, the negative impact on discussions about retirement financing and familial relationships is considerable. Effective communication is vital for successful financial planning, yet grandsplaining often disrupts this communication, creates emotional tension, and undermines elder autonomy. To foster a more supportive environment for retirement planning, relatives need to adopt a more collaborative approach—one that values the input and knowledge of their elders while sharing their hypotheses in a manner that encourages dialogue rather than domination. By doing so, families can work together to navigate the complexities of retirement planning and cultivate a shared understanding of financial well-being across generations.


Rooting for you!


Sue



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