GRANDSPLAINING...It's as Bad as it Sounds!

We need more respectful inter-generational communication

Jan 9, 2025

8 min

Sue Pimento


Summary:   "Grandsplaining" is a playful term that captures the all-too-familiar situation where younger generations offer unsolicited advice to older family members, often in a manner that is as condescending as it is unhelpful. This behaviour can be perceived as disrespectful and potentially creates awkward communication barriers, emotional strain, and family tension. Rooted in ageist stereotypes, it can even undermine elders' self-esteem. Here, we explore alternatives to grandsplaining, including the radical concepts of genuinely listening, asking open-ended questions, demonstrating empathy, and avoiding assumptions. These suggestions aim to help adult children support their older family members—not merely swoop in with a "fix-it" attitude.



The Disrespectful Impact of Condescending Advice on Seniors


When I helped older Canadians navigate financing their retirements, I often witnessed what can only be described as "grandsplaining in the wild." Conversations between adult children and their elders usually felt less like dialogues and more like lectures—one-sided advice sessions that left everyone gritting their teeth.


The younger relative, likely well-meaning, would offer suggestions like, “You should downsize and buy a condo,” “Sell and rent,” or, the pièce de resistance, “Move in with family!” Judging by the withering looks from their elders, it was clear this approach wasn’t winning any "Favorite Child" awards.


The older family members often felt patronized, as though their decades of life experience had been conveniently forgotten. The advice was condescending, painfully obvious, and usually impractical or unwanted. The dynamic reminded me of the cringeworthy experience of being "mansplained." And that’s when it hit me: this is “grandsplaining.”


Unfortunately, grandsplaining can turn retirement planning conversations into a crash course on how not to communicate! Fortunately, with a little effort (and much less lecturing), families can turn this ship around and build stronger, more respectful relationships.



What is "Grandsplaining"?


In an age where communication flows freely across digital platforms, I define "grandsplaining" as a colloquial expression to describe a situation where younger generations offer unsolicited advice to older individuals, often patronizing or condescendingly.


Grandsplaining typically involves a younger person explaining something to an older individual in a way that belittles their experience or intelligence. The term combines "grand" (suggesting age or status) and "splaining" (a slang term for condescendingly explaining something). While the intention behind such advice may often be well-meaning, the delivery can be patronizing, reinforcing stereotypes about aging and competence.


This behaviour can significantly undermine the dignity and autonomy of seniors, leading to feelings of frustration, resentment, and a sense of being marginalized. Understanding the nuances of grandsplaining sheds light on intergenerational dynamics in these conversations. We must find a better, more respectful, and effective way to communicate with our elders considering retiring.


The phenomenon of grandsplaining can manifest in various contexts, not just financing retirement—whether it’s discussing technology, lifestyle choices, healthcare options, or even social norms. For instance, a grandchild might explain how to use a smartphone app to a grandparent, assuming that the older generation cannot understand it despite their own lifelong experience with technology in different forms.


Communication Breakdown


In an era where financial literacy and retirement planning are more crucial than ever, "grandsplaining" has become a significant barrier to effective communication between generations.

Retirees often feel overwhelmed or dismissed when their relatives provide unsolicited advice, especially if it contradicts their wants or financial strategies. This can lead to a reluctance to engage in discussions about finances, creating a rift that undermines the potential for collaborative planning. When adult children dominate conversations with preconceived notions of financial management, it stifles the opportunity for seniors to express their feelings, share their knowledge, and collaborate on effective retirement strategies.


The Generation Gap in Financial Understanding


Adult children may rely on outdated financial paradigms that no longer apply to their elders' realities. The economic landscape has changed dramatically over the past few decades, with shifts in real estate markets, a lack of formal retirement plans, and longer life expectancies. This generational gap can lead to misguided advice that does not consider modern challenges such as retiring with debt, little or no pension income, or rising living costs.


Emotional Strain and FamilTension


When relatives impose their views, it can evoke frustration, resentment, or inadequacy in their elders. This dynamic can shift the conversation from one focused on financial empowerment to one steeped in emotional conflict and shame. Instead of fostering a supportive environment for discussing retirement goals, grandsplaining can create adversarial relationships where seniors feel belittled or pressured, further complicating an already sensitive topic.


Erosion of Autonomy


When relatives try to impose their methods or strategies, it can undermine the seniors’ independence, making them feel a lack of control over their finances. Financial decisions are deeply personal and often intertwined with individual circumstances, goals, and values. This loss of agency not only affects financial outcomes but can also impact the mental well-being of older adults, leading to feelings of incompetence or anxiety about their financial futures.


The Context of Ageism


The implications of ageism are particularly concerning in a rapidly changing world characterized by technological advancements and unprecedented changes in social norms. While younger generations may genuinely wish to assist their elders in navigating these changes, their actions can reinforce negative stereotypes rather than empower seniors. Grandsplaining highlights the generational divide, creating an "us versus them" mentality that hinders collaboration and mutual understanding.


Grandsplaining is deeply intertwined with ageism, a pervasive societal attitude that discriminates against individuals based on their age. Ageism manifests in various forms, including stereotypes that depict older adults as technologically inept, resistant to change, or incapable of learning. These stereotypes can lead to the marginalization of seniors within families and communities. Not cool!


When younger generations adopt a condescending tone, they inadvertently reinforce ageist stereotypes that portray older adults as out of touch or incapable. This affects individual relationships and perpetuates societal narratives devaluing older individuals' contributions and wisdom.


The Impact on Relationships


Grandsplaining can strain relationships between generations, fostering resentment and conflict. For many seniors, unsolicited advice can infringe on their autonomy, making them feel infantilized or disrespected.


I've seen firsthand how parents can react defensively to younger family members and sometimes withdraw altogether from conversations. When assistance is delivered condescendingly, it can backfire. The resulting tension may prevent meaningful conversations about important topics, such as healthcare decisions or lifestyle changes, which are crucial for seniors' well-being.


The Psychological Impact on Seniors


Being on the receiving end of condescending advice can also lead to diminished self-esteem and increased feelings of inadequacy. Seniors may begin to internalize the belief that they are not capable of making sound decisions or understanding new concepts, which can further exacerbate issues related to aging, such as cognitive decline and depression. 


Encouraging Respectful Communication with Seniors


Addressing the issue of grandsplaining requires a concerted effort from both younger and older generations to cultivate respectful communication. Here are several strategies to foster more positive intergenerational interactions:


1. Actively Listen: Younger people should prioritize active listening when engaging with seniors. This involves hearing what the older person says and validating their experiences and perspectives. Younger people can create a more respectful dialogue by acknowledging their knowledge and expertise.


2. Seek to Understand: Younger generations must approach conversations with empathy. To quote Stephen Covey's wise words, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  Recognizing seniors' challenges, such as health issues or technological gaps, can foster a sense of compassion. This approach can help bridge the generational divide and promote more constructive conversations.


3. Avoid Assumptions: The tendency to assume that older adults are out of touch or incapable can lead to grandsplaining. Instead, younger individuals should avoid making assumptions about seniors’ knowledge or abilities. Asking questions like “What do you think about this?” or “How do you feel about that?” can empower seniors to share their insights and experiences.


4. Offer Support, Not Solutions: Ask questions like, “What does a successful retirement look like to you? How do you plan to finance your retirement? Do you want to stay in this home? Are you open to moving? If so, where? Do you have enough in savings? How can I support you in having an independent and dignified retirement”?


5. Understand the Bigger Picture: Don’t assume that the traditional strategies of downsizing, selling, renting, or moving in with family are reasonable solutions for your elder in today’s economic environment. These retirement strategies are problematic for today’s seniors. In most cases, downsizing only works financially if the retiree is willing to move to a smaller, more affordable community. Most seniors want to stay in their communities and not move away from family, friends, churches, or familiar shops and services. Selling, renting, or moving in with family requires the sale of their significant appreciating asset. Given today's longer life expectancies, it's not always a wise choice.


6. Humour:    By skillfully using humour, you can turn potentially patronizing situations into moments of connection and shared joy, ensuring that conversations with elders remain meaningful, respectful and memorable. For example, you could start the conversation this way; "The last thing I want to do is give you advice. That would be ridiculous. You’re the wise sensei here—I’m just the clueless apprentice trying to save enough downpayment to buy a shoebox of a house." This approach humorously flips the script, poking fun at the presumptuousness of unsolicited advice while emphasizing the elder's experience and wisdom.


People often feel judged or vulnerable when discussing finances or significant life changes. Humour shifts the dynamic, showing that you approach the conversation as an ally, not an adversary. For example: "Talking about budgets isn’t fun for anyone—I mean, who loves math? But it’s worth it if we can figure out how to turn this retirement conversation into the fourth of July rather than Labour Day!" This playful approach lowers barriers, making the discussion feel collaborative rather than critical.


Laughter fosters connection. Sharing a laugh creates a sense of camaraderie, making it easier for people to open up about sensitive topics. When elders feel that you’re not judging them but partnering with them—and can make them smile—they’re far more likely to trust your intentions and take your advice seriously. Humour invites the other person to join the conversation, breaking the ice and encouraging them to share their thoughts. It sets a tone that the conversation is a dialogue, not a lecture. Example: "You’ve been making great financial decisions for decades. I’m here to ensure we don’t accidentally end up with a basement full of K-tel Veg-O-Matics… unless that’s the plan?" This allows them to laugh, respond, and engage while respecting their autonomy.


A word of caution.  Humour is only effective when paired with genuine respect and sensitivity. Pay attention to your elder's reactions and adapt if they seem uncomfortable or unamused. The goal is to build rapport, not to win laughs at their expense. Using humour skillfully, you can turn potentially patronizing situations into moments of connection and shared joy, ensuring that conversations with elders are respectful and memorable.



Before You Go


Before You Go

Grandsplaining: the art of lovingly over-explaining to elders as though they’ve been napping since the Great Depression. While it often comes from a place of care, the unintended consequences can include derailed retirement conversations, strained family dinners, and a spike in eye-rolling from grandparents everywhere.


Good financial planning thrives on clear communication, but grandsplaining tends to turn productive discussions into monologues that undermine elder autonomy and trigger emotional static. To create a more harmonious environment, families should swap their megaphones for listening ears and embrace a collaborative approach that respects seniors' wisdom and frames younger relatives’ financial theories as conversation starters, not TED Talks.


After all, when it comes to navigating retirement planning, a little less "know-it-all" and a bit more "let’s figure it out together" can go a long way. Think of it as building a bridge, not a lecture podium—because nothing says "family unity" like tackling compound interest together!


Don't Retire---Re-Wire!


Sue



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Sue Pimento

Sue Pimento

Founder | CEO

Focused on financial literacy and retirement strategies. Authoring new book on home equity strategies to help seniors find financial freedom

Pension ReformInterest RatesHome EquityMortgagesReverse Mortgages

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I Was 33 Years Early to the ADU Party

The early 1990s were tough for many Canadians, including my partner and me. The recession of 1990-1991 hit us hard, leaving both of us without jobs and staring at an unemployment rate that had climbed to a record 10.23%. With bills piling up and options dwindling, we had to get creative—and fast. That’s when we found an unexpected lifeline in an unlikely place: my partner’s grandmother’s house. Grandma, a 90-year-old fireball from Newfoundland, was sharp as a tack and fiercely independent. However, her home was starting to feel too large for her to manage on her own. Meanwhile, we needed a place to live that wouldn’t drain our limited savings. Over cups of tea at her cozy kitchen table, a plan started to take shape: we would build a basement apartment in her house, move in, and exchange affordable rent for assistance around the house. It was a perfect win-win. I didn't know it, but I was an ADU pioneer Today, this living arrangement may be recognized as an Accessory Dwelling Unit (ADU), a secondary housing unit on a single-family property. However, in 1991, this concept was far from mainstream. For us, it was simply a matter of survival—a practical solution born from necessity. We rolled up our sleeves and got to work. With a few friends and determination, we transformed Grandma’s basement into a modest but functional living space. It was basic, even a bit wonky—you had to walk through the bedroom to get to the living room-kitchen combo—but it was ours. We managed most of the construction ourselves, and hired an electrician for the wiring and a plumber to handle the pipes. The rest was pure sweat equity. Living in that basement was an adjustment, to say the least. Space was tight, and our DIY craftsmanship wasn’t exactly HGTV-worthy. However, it provided us with a fresh start. But as ADU pioneers, we got much more than we could have imagined. A much closer connection to family. Grandma’s wit and energy were the heart of the house, and we grew closer to her than we ever imagined. Her stories about growing up in Newfoundland in the late 1800s mesmerized me. I would sit there, wide-eyed, as she recounted winters so cold that tea froze before it hit the cup and evenings illuminated by whale oil lamps. We laughed constantly, and she quickly became the grandmother I never had since my grandparents had passed before I was born. Grandma and I stayed close even after my relationship with my partner ended. I couldn’t imagine life without our Friday lunches, which became a cherished tradition. Every week, I’d visit, and she’d share more stories or critique my cooking attempts with her quick wit and that unmistakable Newfoundland twang. She continued to be a beacon of joy and wisdom in my life. Grandma thrived on independence, which she held onto with great determination. At 90 years old, she re-tarred her driveway by herself, much to the neighbours' surprise and my immense admiration. The tar application was as wrinkled as her skin, and she couldn't care less. She beamed with pride while I took her picture! She loved having visitors, and the parish clergy were frequent guests. She always welcomed them with a twinkle in her eye and a sharp sense of humour. Once, when the parish priest asked her if she ever thought about "the hereafter," she shot back, “Oh, I think about it every day when I go into the basement and ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’” That was Grandma: quick-witted, strong, and full of life. Our basement apartment was more than just a place to live; it was a lifeline. The benefits extended beyond us. Grandma stayed in the home she loved until she passed away peacefully at 96 years old, sitting at her kitchen table on my birthday. It was a poignant moment that reminded me how much she had shaped my life. The modest basement apartment not only sheltered us but also added value to her home. We inadvertently enhanced the property’s functionality and appeal by converting unused space into livable quarters. This represents a key advantage of ADUs in today’s economy. Given the housing shortages and rising costs, ADUs provide a practical solution by offering affordable rental options, increasing property values, and creating opportunities for intergenerational living. In recent years, governments have acknowledged the importance of ADUs, making it easier and more affordable for families to construct them. Changes to mortgage lending policies have been introduced to promote ADU construction. For instance, insured loans now cover up to $1.5 million, and the amortization period has been extended to 30 years, enhancing financing accessibility. Furthermore, the federal government has announced new refinancing options to allow up to 90% of the property’s value. At the same time, low-interest loans for ADU construction have doubled to $80,000, with repayment terms of 15 years. These welcome changes will lower financial barriers and assist homeowners in creating secondary housing units, addressing both affordability and housing shortages. This intergenerational arrangement we set up over three decades ago was a win-win in every way. It provided mutual support, strengthened family bonds, and created a housing solution that benefited both generations. Seniors can age in place with dignity and companionship while younger generations gain access to affordable housing and the chance to learn from their elders. The laughter, shared meals, and stories crafted memories that will last a lifetime. Moreover, ADUs can help ease housing shortages and increase the availability of affordable rentals. They represent a practical, cost-effective method to utilize existing properties better. For families, they offer flexibility—a space for aging parents, adult children, or even potential rental income. For communities, they supply essential housing stock without necessitating large-scale development. For a deeper dive into ADUs, here's a link to a post we shared last year https://expertfile.com/spotlight/10346/additional-dwelling-units--adus- What's Old is New Again It's often said that many things come back in style if you wait long enough. This may hold for ADUs, simply an old concept whose time has come again. Nonetheless, ADUs empower our younger generation to afford housing and achieve homeownership. They also provide vital support for our older generations, enabling them to age in place while generating much-needed income for a dignified retirement. Reflecting on the past, I often ponder who saved whom. Grandma’s indomitable spirit and sharp humour made every bump in the road worthwhile. She would tease me about the crooked shelves we installed and joke that our kitchen was so small we could stir the soup without getting off the couch. In truth, she gave me more than I ever gave her. Her strength, love, and unwavering sense of humour helped me navigate one of the most challenging times in my life. The quirky basement we built in 1991 may not have been perfect, but it served its purpose. Today, as ADUs gain popularity, they represent more than just housing; they embody connection, resilience, and finding creative solutions to life’s challenges. Whether it’s a basement apartment, a backyard cottage, or a garage conversion, ADUs can foster connection and help families thrive—just as we did all those years ago. And as for Grandma? She demonstrated that a touch of humour, plenty of love, and the occasional jab at a priest could keep anyone young at heart. Every time I think of her now, I can’t help but smile and wonder if, somewhere, she’s still re-tarring driveways and asking herself, ‘What am I here after?’ Don’t Retire … Re-Wire! Sue

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