Featured Post from Retire with Equity

GRANDSPLAINING...It's as Bad as it Sounds!

We need more respectful inter-generational communication

Jan 9, 2025

8 min

Sue Pimento
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Summary:   "Grandsplaining" is a playful term that captures the all-too-familiar situation where younger generations offer unsolicited advice to older family members, often in a manner that is as condescending as it is unhelpful. This behaviour can be perceived as disrespectful and potentially creates awkward communication barriers, emotional strain, and family tension. Rooted in ageist stereotypes, it can even undermine elders' self-esteem. Here, we explore alternatives to grandsplaining, including the radical concepts of genuinely listening, asking open-ended questions, demonstrating empathy, and avoiding assumptions. These suggestions aim to help adult children support their older family members—not merely swoop in with a "fix-it" attitude.



The Disrespectful Impact of Condescending Advice on Seniors


When I helped older Canadians navigate financing their retirements, I often witnessed what can only be described as "grandsplaining in the wild." Conversations between adult children and their elders usually felt less like dialogues and more like lectures—one-sided advice sessions that left everyone gritting their teeth.


The younger relative, likely well-meaning, would offer suggestions like, “You should downsize and buy a condo,” “Sell and rent,” or, the pièce de resistance, “Move in with family!” Judging by the withering looks from their elders, it was clear this approach wasn’t winning any "Favorite Child" awards.


The older family members often felt patronized, as though their decades of life experience had been conveniently forgotten. The advice was condescending, painfully obvious, and usually impractical or unwanted. The dynamic reminded me of the cringeworthy experience of being "mansplained." And that’s when it hit me: this is “grandsplaining.”


Unfortunately, grandsplaining can turn retirement planning conversations into a crash course on how not to communicate! Fortunately, with a little effort (and much less lecturing), families can turn this ship around and build stronger, more respectful relationships.



What is "Grandsplaining"?


In an age where communication flows freely across digital platforms, I define "grandsplaining" as a colloquial expression to describe a situation where younger generations offer unsolicited advice to older individuals, often patronizing or condescendingly.


Grandsplaining typically involves a younger person explaining something to an older individual in a way that belittles their experience or intelligence. The term combines "grand" (suggesting age or status) and "splaining" (a slang term for condescendingly explaining something). While the intention behind such advice may often be well-meaning, the delivery can be patronizing, reinforcing stereotypes about aging and competence.


This behaviour can significantly undermine the dignity and autonomy of seniors, leading to feelings of frustration, resentment, and a sense of being marginalized. Understanding the nuances of grandsplaining sheds light on intergenerational dynamics in these conversations. We must find a better, more respectful, and effective way to communicate with our elders considering retiring.


The phenomenon of grandsplaining can manifest in various contexts, not just financing retirement—whether it’s discussing technology, lifestyle choices, healthcare options, or even social norms. For instance, a grandchild might explain how to use a smartphone app to a grandparent, assuming that the older generation cannot understand it despite their own lifelong experience with technology in different forms.


Communication Breakdown


In an era where financial literacy and retirement planning are more crucial than ever, "grandsplaining" has become a significant barrier to effective communication between generations.

Retirees often feel overwhelmed or dismissed when their relatives provide unsolicited advice, especially if it contradicts their wants or financial strategies. This can lead to a reluctance to engage in discussions about finances, creating a rift that undermines the potential for collaborative planning. When adult children dominate conversations with preconceived notions of financial management, it stifles the opportunity for seniors to express their feelings, share their knowledge, and collaborate on effective retirement strategies.


The Generation Gap in Financial Understanding


Adult children may rely on outdated financial paradigms that no longer apply to their elders' realities. The economic landscape has changed dramatically over the past few decades, with shifts in real estate markets, a lack of formal retirement plans, and longer life expectancies. This generational gap can lead to misguided advice that does not consider modern challenges such as retiring with debt, little or no pension income, or rising living costs.


Emotional Strain and Family Tension


When relatives impose their views, it can evoke frustration, resentment, or inadequacy in their elders. This dynamic can shift the conversation from one focused on financial empowerment to one steeped in emotional conflict and shame. Instead of fostering a supportive environment for discussing retirement goals, grandsplaining can create adversarial relationships where seniors feel belittled or pressured, further complicating an already sensitive topic.


Erosion of Autonomy


When relatives try to impose their methods or strategies, it can undermine the seniors’ independence, making them feel a lack of control over their finances. Financial decisions are deeply personal and often intertwined with individual circumstances, goals, and values. This loss of agency not only affects financial outcomes but can also impact the mental well-being of older adults, leading to feelings of incompetence or anxiety about their financial futures.


The Context of Ageism


The implications of ageism are particularly concerning in a rapidly changing world characterized by technological advancements and unprecedented changes in social norms. While younger generations may genuinely wish to assist their elders in navigating these changes, their actions can reinforce negative stereotypes rather than empower seniors. Grandsplaining highlights the generational divide, creating an "us versus them" mentality that hinders collaboration and mutual understanding.


Grandsplaining is deeply intertwined with ageism, a pervasive societal attitude that discriminates against individuals based on their age. Ageism manifests in various forms, including stereotypes that depict older adults as technologically inept, resistant to change, or incapable of learning. These stereotypes can lead to the marginalization of seniors within families and communities. Not cool!


When younger generations adopt a condescending tone, they inadvertently reinforce ageist stereotypes that portray older adults as out of touch or incapable. This affects individual relationships and perpetuates societal narratives devaluing older individuals' contributions and wisdom.


The Impact on Relationships


Grandsplaining can strain relationships between generations, fostering resentment and conflict. For many seniors, unsolicited advice can infringe on their autonomy, making them feel infantilized or disrespected.


I've seen firsthand how parents can react defensively to younger family members and sometimes withdraw altogether from conversations. When assistance is delivered condescendingly, it can backfire. The resulting tension may prevent meaningful conversations about important topics, such as healthcare decisions or lifestyle changes, which are crucial for seniors' well-being.


The Psychological Impact on Seniors


Being on the receiving end of condescending advice can also lead to diminished self-esteem and increased feelings of inadequacy. Seniors may begin to internalize the belief that they are not capable of making sound decisions or understanding new concepts, which can further exacerbate issues related to aging, such as cognitive decline and depression. 


Encouraging Respectful Communication with Seniors


Addressing the issue of grandsplaining requires a concerted effort from both younger and older generations to cultivate respectful communication. Here are several strategies to foster more positive intergenerational interactions:


1. Actively Listen: Younger people should prioritize active listening when engaging with seniors. This involves hearing what the older person says and validating their experiences and perspectives. Younger people can create a more respectful dialogue by acknowledging their knowledge and expertise.


2. Seek to Understand: Younger generations must approach conversations with empathy. To quote Stephen Covey's wise words, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  Recognizing seniors' challenges, such as health issues or technological gaps, can foster a sense of compassion. This approach can help bridge the generational divide and promote more constructive conversations.


3. Avoid Assumptions: The tendency to assume that older adults are out of touch or incapable can lead to grandsplaining. Instead, younger individuals should avoid making assumptions about seniors’ knowledge or abilities. Asking questions like “What do you think about this?” or “How do you feel about that?” can empower seniors to share their insights and experiences.


4. Offer Support, Not Solutions: Ask questions like, “What does a successful retirement look like to you? How do you plan to finance your retirement? Do you want to stay in this home? Are you open to moving? If so, where? Do you have enough in savings? How can I support you in having an independent and dignified retirement”?


5. Understand the Bigger Picture: Don’t assume that the traditional strategies of downsizing, selling, renting, or moving in with family are reasonable solutions for your elder in today’s economic environment. These retirement strategies are problematic for today’s seniors. In most cases, downsizing only works financially if the retiree is willing to move to a smaller, more affordable community. Most seniors want to stay in their communities and not move away from family, friends, churches, or familiar shops and services. Selling, renting, or moving in with family requires the sale of their significant appreciating asset. Given today's longer life expectancies, it's not always a wise choice.


6. Humour:    By skillfully using humour, you can turn potentially patronizing situations into moments of connection and shared joy, ensuring that conversations with elders remain meaningful, respectful and memorable. For example, you could start the conversation this way; "The last thing I want to do is give you advice. That would be ridiculous. You’re the wise sensei here—I’m just the clueless apprentice trying to save enough downpayment to buy a shoebox of a house." This approach humorously flips the script, poking fun at the presumptuousness of unsolicited advice while emphasizing the elder's experience and wisdom.


People often feel judged or vulnerable when discussing finances or significant life changes. Humour shifts the dynamic, showing that you approach the conversation as an ally, not an adversary. For example: "Talking about budgets isn’t fun for anyone—I mean, who loves math? But it’s worth it if we can figure out how to turn this retirement conversation into the fourth of July rather than Labour Day!" This playful approach lowers barriers, making the discussion feel collaborative rather than critical.


Laughter fosters connection. Sharing a laugh creates a sense of camaraderie, making it easier for people to open up about sensitive topics. When elders feel that you’re not judging them but partnering with them—and can make them smile—they’re far more likely to trust your intentions and take your advice seriously. Humour invites the other person to join the conversation, breaking the ice and encouraging them to share their thoughts. It sets a tone that the conversation is a dialogue, not a lecture. Example: "You’ve been making great financial decisions for decades. I’m here to ensure we don’t accidentally end up with a basement full of K-tel Veg-O-Matics… unless that’s the plan?" This allows them to laugh, respond, and engage while respecting their autonomy.


A word of caution.  Humour is only effective when paired with genuine respect and sensitivity. Pay attention to your elder's reactions and adapt if they seem uncomfortable or unamused. The goal is to build rapport, not to win laughs at their expense. Using humour skillfully, you can turn potentially patronizing situations into moments of connection and shared joy, ensuring that conversations with elders are respectful and memorable.



Before You Go


Before You Go

Grandsplaining: the art of lovingly over-explaining to elders as though they’ve been napping since the Great Depression. While it often comes from a place of care, the unintended consequences can include derailed retirement conversations, strained family dinners, and a spike in eye-rolling from grandparents everywhere.


Good financial planning thrives on clear communication, but grandsplaining tends to turn productive discussions into monologues that undermine elder autonomy and trigger emotional static. To create a more harmonious environment, families should swap their megaphones for listening ears and embrace a collaborative approach that respects seniors' wisdom and frames younger relatives’ financial theories as conversation starters, not TED Talks.


After all, when it comes to navigating retirement planning, a little less "know-it-all" and a bit more "let’s figure it out together" can go a long way. Think of it as building a bridge, not a lecture podium—because nothing says "family unity" like tackling compound interest together!


Don't Retire---Re-Wire!


Sue



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Sue Pimento

Sue Pimento

Founder | CEO

Focused on financial literacy and retirement strategies. Authoring new book on home equity strategies to help seniors find financial freedom

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The numbers tell a sobering story: A report by the National Institute on Ageing, finds that as many as 41 per cent of Canadians aged 50 years and older are at risk of social isolation and up to 58 per cent have experienced loneliness before. The holidays often bring additional pressure for many.  It's important to note, you don't have to live alone to feel lonely.  Seniors often fear being forgotten—left out of the group chat, the dinner invite, or even the conversation at dinner. Some feel like a burden, convinced their presence is more "obligation" than "invitation." That fear of irrelevance can creep up faster than fruitcake at a church bake sale. The internal dialogue doesn't help: "They're busy." "They have their own lives." "I don't want to be a bother." But here's the truth: you're not a bother. You're the keeper of stories, the family's living archive, and—let's face it—the only one who actually knows how to carve a turkey without creating a crime scene. The health stakes are real: According to a 2023 research report from the U.S. Surgeon General, loneliness and social isolation have a profound effect on mortality, equal to smoking 15 cigarettes per day. That’s more impact than obesity or sedentary lifestyles. It's associated with increased risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety. This isn't just about feeling blue; it's about actual health outcomes. When Depression Wears a Santa Hat Holiday depression doesn't always look like tears and tissues. Sometimes it's withdrawing from events, skipping meals, or not bothering to decorate. It's saying "I'm fine" with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes. A prominent research study of seniors in the UK over a 12-year period published in The Lancet,  confirms what many seniors experience: loneliness is a significant predictor of depression in older adults. The study found that higher loneliness scores were consistently associated with increased depression severity. The relationship works both ways—people with mental health conditions are more than twice as likely to experience loneliness. It can also show up physically—fatigue, poor sleep, or that vague feeling that something's just... off. The sparkle of the season fades under the weight of grief, change, or just the exhausting pressure to be merry when you're not feeling it. A few sad moments are natural. We all get a little misty when "White Christmas" plays for the 47th time. But if the blues linger past Boxing Day, it might be time for a gentle check-in—with a friend, a doctor, or someone who actually listens (not just nods while scrolling). Remember: asking for help isn't a weakness. It's wisdom. And honestly? It's badass. The Magic of Rituals and Traditions For seniors, traditions aren't just habits—they're anchors. The same decorations, the favorite songs, the "don't touch that, it's Grandma's angel" moment that happens every. Single. Year. Research shows that rituals and traditions provide crucial psychological benefits for older adults, including a sense of stability, purpose, and belonging. They offer structure and comfort during challenging times, helping seniors feel grounded and connected to their roots. Studies have found that maintaining traditions contributes to overall mental well-being and can even reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.  These rituals offer stability in a world that keeps changing at warp speed (seriously, when did voice-activated ornaments become a thing?). But when traditions fade—when no one asks for the shortbread recipe or the ornaments stay boxed—it can feel like being erased in real time. So here's the trick: Evolve the traditions. Pass the torch, not the guilt. Let the grandkids lead carols (even if they insist on adding Mariah Carey). Use the good china. Pull out the silverware stored in the wooden case under the china cabinet that hasn't been opened since 1987. Keep the spirit alive, even if it looks different now. How Seniors Can Create a Joyful Holiday (Yes, Really!) Reach Out First: Don't wait for others to make the first move. Call, text, or—even better—show up with cookies. People are often grateful for the invitation but also afraid to impose. Be the one who breaks the ice. Host a Mini Gathering: Even if it's just tea with a neighbor, connection is the best seasoning of all. Bonus: smaller gatherings mean less cleanup and more actual conversation. Volunteer: Nothing lifts the spirit like helping someone else. Food banks, shelters, and local schools welcome extra hands. Plus, it's a great reminder that you're still needed—and you are. Laugh on Purpose: Watch old comedies. Tell those same stories (again). Laughter really is medicine—no prescription, no co-pay required. Decorate Anyway: Even if no one's visiting, do it for you. Light up your space, and your mood might just follow. And if the neighbors think you're overdoing it? Even better. What Families Can Do (Besides Show Up Hungry) Here's your holiday homework, families: Visit More, Scroll Less. You can't hug over FaceTime. And honestly, Grandma's WiFi probably can't handle it anyway. Listen Like It's a Gift. Because it is. Let seniors share their stories without rushing them or checking your phone. They're not just repeating themselves—they're reliving joy. (And yes, you've heard it before. Listen again.) Include Them in the Chaos. Let Grandma wrap presents, Grandpa set the playlist, or Aunt Sue take charge of... okay, maybe not the gravy. But give them a role. Purpose is the best present. Check In Regularly. A quick "thinking of you" text can mean more than an expensive gift. Though, to be fair, both are nice. Respect Their Pace. Big gatherings can be overwhelming. Sometimes small and meaningful beats loud and crowded. Not everyone wants to do the Macarena at Christmas dinner. (Looking at you, Uncle Bob.) Remember: the greatest present you can give an older adult is presence—yours. The Importance of Joy (and How to Find It Again) Joy doesn't always come in grand gestures. Sometimes it's hiding in the small stuff: • The smell of pine needles • The first snowflake (before it turns into gray slush) • That old ornament you swore you'd throw out • The laughter of family—even if it's at your expense Joy isn't found lying around like loose change. It's made. Sometimes it's coaxed out with a memory, a song, or a well-timed bad joke about Aunt Sue's lumpy gravy. And if all else fails, remember this: you've survived decades of holidays. Burnt turkeys. Broken ornaments. That unfortunate incident with the glue gun in 2003. You've earned the right to laugh through the tears and dance in your slippers if you damn well feel like it. The Real Gift The holidays remind us that connection—not perfection—is the true magic. For seniors, it's about being seen, heard, and loved. For families, it's about showing up, listening, and laughing together. Because one day, those elders' stories will become yours. And you'll want someone to care enough to hear them, too. So let's make this season count. Let's call more, visit more, and laugh more. Let's honor the past while making new memories. And let's remember that the best traditions aren't the ones that stay the same—they're the ones that adapt, evolve, and keep bringing us together. Now pass the eggnog. The spiked kind. Let's All Sit Under the Mistletoe and Sing the Retired Remix of "Jingle Bells" (To the tune of "Jingle Bells") Dashing through the snow, With a walker all in tow, To the mall we go, Moving nice and slow! Family's out of sight, Texting through the night, Oh, what fun it is to Zoom My grandkids once a night—hey! Chorus: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Oh, what fun it is to chat With friends who won't delay—hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, laughter saves the day, Lonely hearts can still feel joy— If love just finds a way. Happy holidays, everyone. May your turkey be moist, your family be present, and your eggnog be strong. Want more insights like this? Subscribe to my free newsletter here, where I share practical strategies, real-world stories, and straight talk about navigating retirement with confidence—not confusion. Plus, all subscribers get exclusive early access to advance chapters from my upcoming book. For Canadians 55+: Get actionable advice on making your home equity work for you, understanding your options, and living retirement on your terms. For Mortgage Brokers and Financial Professionals: Learn how to become the trusted advisor your 55+ clients—it's your opportunity to build lasting relationships in Canada's fastest-growing demographic. Sue Don’t Retire…Re-Wire! References & Resources for You or a Loved One On Loneliness and Social Isolation: • U.S. Surgeon General. (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf • Medicare FAQ. (2024). Loneliness in Seniors Statistics: Combating Social Isolation. https://www.medicarefaq.com/blog/senior-loneliness-statistics/ • Mayo Clinic. (2023). Loneliness and Social Isolation Through the Holidays. https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/loneliness-and-social-isolation-through-the-holidays/ On Depression and Mental Health: • Kok, R.M., & Reynolds, C.F. (2020). The association between loneliness and depressive symptoms among adults aged 50 years and older: A 12-year population-based cohort study. The Lancet Psychiatry. https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(20)30383-7/fulltext • Cigna. (2021). The Loneliness Epidemic Persists: A Post-Pandemic Look at the State of Loneliness Among U.S. Adults. On Traditions and Rituals: • Oregon Counseling. Why Traditions Matter to Mental Health. https://oregoncounseling.com/article/why-traditions-matter-to-mental-health/ • Care365. Maintaining Traditions with Seniors. https://www.care365.care/resources/maintaining-traditions-with-seniors Additional Support: • National Council on Aging. Four Steps to Combat Loneliness in Seniors During the Holidays. https://www.ncoa.org/article/four-steps-to-combat-loneliness-in-seniors-during-the-holiday-and-beyond/ Emergency Services If the situation is urgent or someone is in immediate danger: Call 911. Canada Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS) • Call: 1-833-456-4566 (available nationwide, 24/7) • Text: 45645 (evenings) • Chat: available at 988.ca

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