Retirement: For Better, For Worse, and for Much More Time Together

How to Navigate the Relationship Earthquake That Comes After the Final Paycheque

May 7, 2025

8 min

Retirement is supposed to be your golden reward—freedom from alarm clocks, endless Zoom meetings, and performance reviews. But no one warned you about the relationship performance review that arises when you and your partner suddenly find yourselves spending over 100 hours a week together.

For some, it’s bliss; for others, it feels like a full-time job without an HR department.

While grey divorce (divorce after age 50) is on the rise in Canada, separation isn’t inevitable. However, marital harmony is also not guaranteed. The truth lies somewhere in between—and that’s where things become interesting. Retirement isn't merely a lifestyle change—it’s a complete identity shake-up, which can create stress even in the strongest relationships.

Grey Divorce: An Increasing Trend

Though Canada’s overall divorce rate reached a 50-year low in 2020, divorce among people over 50 is increasing—this trend is dubbed grey divorce. According to Statistics Canada, this demographic is increasingly re-evaluating their relationships as they retire (CBC News, 2024). The same pattern is unfolding south of the border, with the AARP reporting a steady rise in senior divorces in the U.S.

Grey divorce isn’t just emotionally taxing—it can be financially devastating. Women, in particular, bear the brunt. A study by the National Center for Family & Marriage Research found that divorced women over 50 have 45% less wealth than their married peers. In Canada, the Canadian Institute of Actuaries has warned that divorce later in life can significantly erode retirement savings and delay or derail financial plans.

Role Confusion

One retired executive shared that after decades of being chauffeured to work, he assumed retirement meant his wife would now be his driver. “I thought she’d just take over that role, as he climbed into the back seat,” he said, genuinely confused.

She had other plans that did not involve sitting behind a wheel, taking coffee orders, or navigating roundabouts. He had not yet made the emotional or physical shift from being served to becoming equal. That transition is more complicated than it sounds—and more common than you'd think.

When one partner’s identity is career-driven and the other manages the home, retirement necessitates a complete recalibration. Power dynamics shift, control issues surface, and resentment simmers if left unacknowledged.

Housework ≠ Heartwork

If you're home full-time now, guess what? You’re not a guest anymore. The dishes, the vacuuming, the grocery runs—these are now shared responsibilities.

Nothing breeds resentment faster than an unequal workload. Retirement doesn’t mean “relax”; rather, it signifies redistributing the work of life. Unspoken truths will find their voice.

Let’s face it—decades of unexpressed frustrations don’t remain buried. They begin to comment on how someone folds laundry, stacks the dishwasher, or leaves the cap off the toothpaste.

Retirement magnifies everything: the quirks you used to laugh off? Mansplaining! What habits did you ignore because life was busy? Now they’re front and center. And what bad habits did you have before? They don’t improve with age—they get worse.

Emotional and Mental Health Insights

Relationship difficulties can trigger anxiety, depression, and loneliness, especially among men who may have smaller support networks outside their marriages. A 2020 study in the Journal of Gerontology found that post-divorce social isolation is closely linked to declining physical and mental health in later life.

Not all couples want to—or need to—divorce to find peace. Increasingly, older Canadians are exploring “Living Apart Together” (LAT) arrangements, where partners maintain separate residences while remaining in a committed relationship. Research by the Vanier Institute and AARP suggests that LAT relationships allow for autonomy while maintaining emotional connection—a potential middle ground for couples who struggle with full-time togetherness in retirement.

For many, retirement means the loss of structure, identity, and purpose, particularly for those who have closely tied their sense of self to their professional roles. This loss can create irritability, aimlessness, and tension in a partnership. As Harvard Business Review put it, retirement can be especially tough for men because “so many men are bad at retirement” (HBR, 2021). This emotional void often spills over into the relationship, testing its resilience.

Retirement often brings a sudden reshuffling of roles at home. Many men who may have spent decades focused on their careers struggle to adjust to a more balanced domestic lifestyle. The Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives notes that retirement can expose long-standing gendered inequalities in household labour, leading to friction, resentment, and, at times, relationship breakdown.

How to Thrive—Together or Apart

The goal isn’t perfection; it’s peace, fulfillment, and ample personal space to breathe. Here’s how to get there: creatively, practically, and honestly.

1. Have the Real Conversations

Ask the questions you avoided when life was too busy:

• “Are we happy?”

• “What do you want out of the next ten years?”

• “Are there things we’ve never talked about that matter now?”

Unspoken expectations are relationship landmines. Bring them to light—gently and often.

2. Separate Bedrooms, United Front

Don’t frown; they are more common than you might think and less scandalous than it sounds. Separate sleep equals better rest, less irritation, and sometimes a more intentional intimate life.

Please don’t consider it a breakup; position it as a better mattress strategy.

3. The Basement Suite or In-Law Apartment Plan

This represents the sweet spot between staying together and going entirely separate. Living in the same house with clearly defined zones provides each partner with breathing room and independence, especially when you’ve grown apart but don’t want to disrupt finances or family.

Ground rules are essential:

• Who is responsible for what costs?

• Shared meals or separate?

• New partners—yay or nay?

It’s not perfect, but it can be practical.

4. A Second Space: Cottage, Trailer, or Tiny Cabin

A humble trailer or rustic cabin might save your marriage. It’s not about luxury—it’s about space, autonomy, and silence when needed. Whether alternating weekends or solo sabbaticals, having a backup place to go can restore harmony at home.

5. Travel Separately (Sometimes)

One of you wants to hike Machu Picchu, while the other prefers to nap in Muskoka. You don’t have to compromise; you can take turns.

Alternate between solo trips, friend getaways, or short solo retreats. You’ll both return refreshed—and more engaged.

6. Discover New Purpose (or Income)

A restless, lost, or bored partner can quietly sabotage the household. Encourage:

• Volunteering

• Consulting or part-time work

• Mentoring

• Taking courses or teaching others

• Rediscovering old passions

If Divorce Is the Best Option

At times, the most honest act is to end a marriage with kindness. If this is the only option, there are important factors to consider:

Financial Reality Check

• Assets will be divided, including the house, pensions, RRSPs, etc.

• Expenses double: two homes, two insurance policies, and two fridges to stock.

• Retirement income may not be sufficient for both lives.

• Legal costs and timing matter more than ever now—because the time to recover financially is limited.

There are no pensions in tears. Therefore, if you choose this route, plan ahead.

Family Impact

• Adult children might feel shocked—or even angry.

• Grandchildren can pose challenging questions.

• Long-term friendships may weaken.

• Shared traditions may require reinvention.

This process can be amicable. A new term has emerged among women caring for their ill or aging ex-husbands: “Wasbands.” These women step up with empathy rather than obligation. Vows no longer bind them; instead, they are guided by compassion. Honestly, humanity wins in these situations. There is still love, respect, and history—even if it’s no longer romantic. That is not failure; it is growth.

Rewrite the Rules

Retirement is not a dead end; it’s a creative reawakening—if you approach it that way.

Retirement is a significant life transition—not just financially, but relationally. Like any other chapter in life, it requires renegotiation, mutual respect, and a willingness to evolve. Some couples find deeper intimacy, while others redefine their relationships entirely. The good news? Whether it's under one roof or two, retirement can still be a time of connection, discovery, and, yes, romance.

But it also requires some good, old-fashioned adulting. Yes, *adulting*—that modern word we usually reserve for paying bills, booking dental appointments, and reading the fine print. It turns out it’s equally essential in retirement. Emotional maturity, communication, boundary-setting, and a shared approach to evolving roles are all keys. Think of it like the Sonnet Insurance commercials that cheekily remind us adulting is hard but worth it. Retirement is also a factor, especially when approached with intention and a sense of humour.

This is your last chapter. Make it a good one. Whether you stay together, sleep apart, live separately under one roof, or consciously uncouple, do it with clarity, kindness, and courage. The goal isn’t a perfect love story; it’s a fulfilling life for both of you.

When in doubt, take a walk (alone if necessary). Share a joke. Communicate like adults. And for the love of long-term care insurance, remember: resentment compounds faster than interest.

If you enjoyed this article or thought, “Oh wow, this is exactly what my friend/parent/relative needs to read,” please share it. You can also subscribe to the Retirement Literacy newsletter for more smart, candid, and occasionally cheeky insights on navigating life after full-time work. Let’s make retirement not just the end of work, but the start of something meaningful, fulfilling, and a little fabulous.

Don’t Retire…Rewire!

p.s. Know someone who’s about to retire?— Why not share this worksheet? It’s the best pre-retirement checklist they never knew they needed.

6 Questions to Ask Before Retiring Together

Retirement reshapes your schedule, your identity—and your relationship. Before you hand in your keycard, ask these candid questions with your partner. Because the toughest part of retirement isn’t money—it’s time.

And you’ll be spending a lot more of it together.

1. What Do You Want This Chapter of Life to Look Like?

Dreams misaligned can lead to daily friction. Do you crave adventure while your partner seeks peace and quiet? Map it out—together.

2. How Much Time Do We Really Want to Spend Together?

“Always together” sounds sweet—until it feels stifling. Define your ideal balance between shared time and personal space.

3. What Roles Are We Playing Now—And Do They Need to Change?

Retirement often means rebalancing housework, caregiving, and emotional labor. What’s fair now that you’re both at home?

4. Are There Any Long-Standing Frustrations We’ve Avoided Talking About?

Retirement shines a spotlight on old resentments. It's better to talk than to silently stew over how the dishwasher is loaded.

5. How Will We Handle Money Decisions as a Team?

With changing income and more shared expenses, financial transparency and joint planning are more crucial than ever.

6. What Will Give Each of Us a Sense of Purpose—Individually?

A restless or bored partner can bring tension into the home. Talk about passions, volunteer work, or part-time pursuits that bring meaning.

Want more smart, candid insights? Visit www.retirementliteracy.com to start rewriting your next chapter with clarity and confidence.

Connect with:

Sue Pimento

Founder | CEO

Writer, author & presenter focused on financial literacy and retirement strategies. I advocate for the health, wealth & purpose for retirees

Pension ReformInterest RatesHome EquityMortgagesReverse Mortgages

Find Experts

Sep 9, 2026

7 min

Peri-Retirement, Divorce Dust, and the Investment Hiding in Your Backyard

My friend from the gym has a recurring nightmare, not the usual one about showing up to spin class without pants. In hers, she is sixty-eight, broke, standing on her parents' porch with a suitcase, ringing the doorbell of the house she grew up in, hoping they still remember her. In the dream, her parents are somehow both alive and completely unbothered, as though this is a perfectly ordinary Tuesday. She wakes up in a sweat every time. She has told me about this dream more than once, usually mid-hill climb, which is not when I do my best financial counselling. For her, it is not a silly dream, it is the shape of her deepest fear, failure. Not being able to afford her own retirement feels like proof that she did something fundamentally wrong. Father Time does not send polite reminders. He taps his watch, and her subconscious taps back. A few months ago when she started making progress on the construction of the laneway house in her backyard, I expected her to feel lighter. Instead, she cornered me by the water fountain, looking as if she had personally lost a boxing match. "I should be in my accumulation years," she said, "and instead I am pouring every spare dollar into a construction site." She said the word construction the way other people say audit. Here is what I told her: she had this exactly backwards. This is peri-retirement, a phase I coined to describe the stretch that can hit anywhere between forty-five and sixty. It is the point when most of the accumulating happens, and savings should be well underway. The kids are at school. Retirement is coming whether you are ready or not, and peri-retirement is the stage when that fact finally gets your attention. It deserves its own post, coming soon. For today, back to my friend and her Home Equity Line of Credit (HELOC). Spending feels like money disappearing. Investing is money that goes somewhere. When you spend money, it is gone in a way you can feel immediately: dinner is bought, eaten, and now there is only a receipt. When you invest money, the dollars leave your hand but do not vanish. They convert into something: a stock certificate, a retirement account, or, in my friend's case, a fully legal, income-producing rental unit thirty feet behind her kitchen. The trouble is that every invoice looks the same, whether you are buying a vacation or a foundation. Her brain filed the whole project under "money disappearing," no matter how many times I explained that a rental suite generates a cheque every month for the rest of her life. What made this harder to accept was her HELOC. She had spent years throwing every spare dollar at her mortgage so she could stand at her front door and say "paid" out loud to nobody in particular. Now she watched a home equity line of credit climb back up to pay for two-by-fours and a very opinionated contractor, as if undoing decades of discipline in one renovation season. But debt taken on to build an income-producing asset is a different animal from debt taken on to buy a car that loses value the moment you drive it off the lot. The couch is delivered, comfortable, and will never write you a cheque. An investment costs money up front and, if structured well, pays you back for years. A laneway suite is not a couch. It is a very slow, very stubborn vending machine that eventually hands you rent instead of snacks. Numbers make this less abstract. A laneway or garden suite in a city like Toronto typically costs three hundred and fifty thousand to six hundred thousand dollars plus to build. The rent can range from two thousand to four thousand dollars a month. After property tax, insurance, and maintenance take their cut, most homeowners break even in ten to fifteen-ish years, still slow compared with a twenty-five-year mortgage, but faster than it sounds. After that, it is simply income, for as long as you own the property. What exactly is an ADU? An Accessory Dwelling Unit, or ADU, is a separate, fully equipped living space on the same lot as your main house, giving its occupant their own front door, kitchen, and, mercifully, their own bathroom. The basement apartment is the classic workhorse of the category and the more accessible option: no backyard or laneway access needed, and usually a smaller cheque, making it the realistic starting point for most homeowners before they ever consider the trendier laneway or garden suite. The rules vary by city. Vancouver has allowed laneway houses, once called coach houses, for years, with a permitting framework it has published. Toronto came later, introducing Laneway Suites in 2018 and Garden Suites in 2022, with its own permit process outlined here. My friend started her project after hearing some version of "build it and they will come," hoping to eventually have her mother move in or to have a space ready for her own child. A laneway suite can also become a studio for a retirement passion project, or even the retirement plan itself, with the homeowner moving into the smaller suite and renting out the main house, a modern spin on downsizing, as one Toronto homeowner described in a piece worth reading. Using rental income to fund retirement is not new. Landlords have long understood this math. What is new is that many homeowners in their fifties are realizing their house is their largest asset and possibly the centrepiece of their retirement plan. Now for the part nobody puts in the glossy brochure. Building an ADU is stressful in a way that is hard to explain to someone who has not lived through a renovation. Contractors have a nickname for the fine grey powder that coats every surface in a house under construction. They call it divorce dust. I did not make that up, and I did not need to ask why. My gym friend has had the full tour: Committee of Adjustment (COA) hearings, legal agreements between neighbours causing permit delays, a contractor who went MIA with her down payment, the other contractor who went MIA for 3 weeks and a neighbour, silent about the fence for eleven years, who suddenly developed passionate opinions about sightlines the moment scaffolding went up. Building one is still worth doing. It just means staying vigilant after the ribbon cutting, too. A rental unit does not run itself: there is vacancy to plan for, tenant relationships to manage, insurance to update, since a standard homeowner policy will not cover a rental suite, and rental income to declare at tax time. It is genuinely not for everyone. But with the resilience to weather the dust and the landlord duties that follow, the payoff is a long-term, appreciating asset that can steadily fund a big piece of your retirement. Governments have finally noticed. Different levels of government are working to make these suites easier to build, with mixed follow-through. In 2024, the federal government announced an expansion of the Canada Secondary Suite Loan Program, offering up to eighty thousand dollars at two percent interest over fifteen years, though it never launch. Some municipalities like County of Simcoe, have launched their own Secondary Suites Program. Other programs currently in place, Homeowners can refinance an insured mortgage to cover a secondary suite, up to ninety percent of the post-renovation value. A Multigenerational Home Renovation Tax Credit for a suite built for an elderly or disabled family member. Recently there was a quiet launch of a GST and HST rebate eligibility for laneway and garden suites starting construction between April 1, 2026, and March 31, 2027. This is a step in the right direction, but needs more clarity and longer timeframe. It is estimated that Toronto alone has around twelve hundred active permits for these suites, with roughly five hundred completed (Source). If curiosity is winning out over fear, skip the contractor for now. Call your city's planning department to find out what your lot allows, then speak with a mortgage broker or accountant about how a HELOC or refinance fits your finances. Ten minutes on the phone beats an afternoon scrolling through laneway house photos. Back to the nightmare. My gym friend is going to be fine. Better than fine, actually. She already sees the win for her family: the parent who gets to stay close or the tenant who covers a meaningful chunk of her expenses. What she needed was permission to stop grading her HELOC statement like a report card and to start seeing it as the price of admission to a retirement plan that pays her back for decades. I keep thinking about that dream, the suitcase, the porch, and her bewildered parents opening the door. Here is the twist she has not clocked yet. In the upcoming year, when the suite is finished, occupied by her mom or rented, and quietly depositing a cheque into her account every month, she will have built the one thing that makes that nightmare impossible. She will not be the one showing up on a porch with a suitcase. She will be the one handing someone else the keys and locking her own front door behind her without a second thought. Don't Retire...ReWire! Sue My Book is Available for Pre-Order I hope you will consider pre-ordering a copy of Your Retirement Reset for yourself, a friend, or someone you love. It arrives September 29, 2026, published by ECW Press, and is already available through Indigo or Amazon. If you like supporting Canadian booksellers, check with your local independent bookstore too. Most can order it in without any trouble. Important: This article is general information and commentary only and does not constitute financial, mortgage, tax, legal, or investment advice. Before making decisions about your retirement or home equity, consult qualified, licensed professionals who can assess your personal circumstances.

Sep 2, 2026

9 min

Parenting Your Parents: The Stuff We Don’t Say at Dinner

Every family has an elephant it keeps meaning to talk about, and in my family, that conversation always seemed to circle back to dessert. Someone would work up the nerve to raise something serious, and right on cue, someone else would ask if anyone wanted more pie. The elephant would quietly slip out of the room again. Dessert was sacred in our house, which is probably why my dad ate his first. We could talk about the weather, the traffic, Aunt Carol’s hip, almost anything except who would be in charge if Mom’s memory got worse or where Dad would live if the stairs ever became a problem. Here’s the thing about elephants. Silence only makes the room darker, and everyone ends up bumping into more furniture while trying to avoid the thing nobody wants to name. Instead, turn on the lights and look at it together, out loud, as a family, preferably before an emergency forces the conversation to happen at full volume in a hospital hallway. Part one of this series was about the everyday chaos of parenting your parents, the cordless phones, the clumpy milk and the mystery meals from the freezer. This part is different. These are the conversations nobody brings up willingly, the ones that involve lawyers instead of laughs. But they come from exactly the same place and matter just as much, maybe more, because they’re the ones that keep a family from falling apart the moment something goes wrong. The Power of Attorney Huddle Start with a power of attorney, the single most practical and least romantic gift you can give your family. Most people assume it is one document that covers everything. In Ontario, it is two separate things. A Continuing Power of Attorney for Property covers money, bills, and anything linked to a bank account. A Power of Attorney for Personal Care covers health decisions, housing, and day-to-day well-being. Other provinces use slightly different names for the same idea, so check your own, but the concept holds everywhere in Canada. One person can hold both roles, or you can split them between two people, whichever fits your family better. Nobody wants to picture a parent developing dementia or Alzheimer’s, but that is precisely why these documents exist. The time to set them up is now, while everyone involved is still sharp enough to have an opinion. Once capacity is gone, the chance to choose is lost. Families who skip this step often end up applying to court for guardianship instead, which costs more, takes longer, and does nothing about the emergency sitting in the hospital bed. Do not let AI draft these documents. This is the kind of paperwork that needs to hold up at two in the morning in an emergency room, so it needs a legal professional who knows your province and your family’s particular version of complicated. Have the conversation as a family first. Ask Mom and Dad honestly who they want making these calls, then take that to a professional who can build something that will hold up when it is needed. Splitting the Shift, and Supporting Whoever Carries It If you are an only child, feel free to skip this part, mostly because you never had a choice in the matter to begin with. Every ounce of this responsibility lands on your shoulders alone, and if there is a special corner of heaven reserved for those who carry it entirely by themselves, I hope it comes with better snacks than the rest of us get. For everyone with siblings, the question of dividing the work is really a workload question, and workload questions go sideways fast when nothing is written down. I know it sounds painfully formal, like drafting a treaty instead of helping your mother, to put who calls the doctor, who handles the finances, and who takes the overnight shifts into an actual document. But clarity is the entire point, because when something goes wrong, and it always eventually does, families get frenetic, pointing fingers or freezing instead of deciding anything. There is an old line about the best time to negotiate a prenup being on the honeymoon, when everyone still likes each other and no crisis is pulling at the conversation. The same logic applies here. Do this work while everyone is calm and well-rested, not standing in a hospital hallway, because the alternative is doing it during the worst week of the year, with all the extra tension thrown in for free. Even with the fairest split, the person carrying the heaviest share still needs support of their own. Caregivers have a real talent for arranging support for everyone except themselves, scheduling pills, appointments, and grocery runs for someone else while quietly running their own tank down to empty. I did plenty of that myself. The exhaustion was never a badge of honour, just a warning light I mostly ignored. Support in Canada varies by province, but it is available. The Ontario Caregiver Organization offers free counselling, peer support, a helpline for when you need someone to talk you down, and help finding respite care. Caregivers Alberta provides resources, mental health support, and education for Albertans caring for family members or friends. The Canadian Centre for Caregiving Excellence tracks support nationally and points you to programs wherever you live. Eligible individuals may qualify for Employment Insurance (EI) Caregiving Benefits. There is also a federal tax credit worth asking an accountant about, since most people qualify and never claim it. None of this replaces an actual break, and a break is not optional, no matter how capable you feel. Respite care exists so you can sleep, see a friend, or sit in a coffee shop without your phone buzzing about a missed pill. Asking for it isn't a weakness; it's what keeps you able to show up for your parent at all. Feet First or in a Box Somewhere in every family, a parent eventually announces their exit strategy. I’m not moving. You can’t make me. The only way I’m leaving this house is feet first or in a box. It’s delivered with total confidence, usually while standing on a knee or hip that clearly objects to the plan. Here is the distinction that matters most in this conversation. The children don’t get to decide where Mom or Dad lives. They get to help their parents decide, and that difference changes everything about how the conversation should go. Instead of announcing a verdict, ask open questions. How do you picture your retirement? Where do you see yourself in five years? What would need to change for you to still feel safe here? Then sit with the answers instead of rushing to fix them. For those of you with a difficult relationships with a parent, a complicated family tree or a family with illness or any form of abuse, my heart is with you. Thank you for even reading this far. I know this is an even more delicate topic and I don't have solutions for you. I do know that the same questions and conversations would apply but perhaps would be better delivered by a neutral 3rd party individual, trusted friend of the family or local pastor. Patience matters here more than almost anywhere else in this series, because older Canadians have earned the right to be stubborn about their front door, and pushing too hard usually only produces more stubbornness in return. What matters is that you talk about what happens if the stairs become a problem, the garden becomes too much, or living alone starts to feel isolating. Sometimes the answer is small: a gardener, a chairlift or safety bars in the bathroom. Sometimes it is a little sneaky with a housekeeper once a week, who conveniently expands to caregiving assistance on additional days. Sometimes it is bigger, such as moving in with a family member or trading the family home for a one-level apartment that does not require a hip replacement just to reach the mailbox. Whatever shape it takes, it works best when the whole family writes that next chapter together rather than one person handing it to the rest. Wishes and Wills The last set of conversations covers what your parents want if they get sick, what they want when they die, and what kind of care setting they would choose if they ever needed one, as well as which community they want to be part of and what matters most when choices become hard. These are not questions you settle in one sitting over coffee. They build slowly, over several conversations, and some of it needs time to sink in before anyone can respond honestly. If a conversation stalls, let it stall. Somewhere in all of this, the subject of a will comes up, and it is worth asking plainly whether one exists, where to find it, whether it is up to date, and whether it is legal. Sometimes parents want to walk you through every detail. Sometimes they would rather keep the specifics to themselves, and that is entirely their right. It is their money, their wishes, their life, and being an adult about it means respecting the boundary even when you are curious. What matters is that the conversation happened at all, not that you know every line of it. There is also a very modern wrinkle to all of this: passwords. A will can name exactly who gets the rocking chair, but it says nothing about who can unlock the phone to find the photos in the first place, or access the email, or access online banking once nobody remembers the password to the password manager. Write down the important logins somewhere real, not just in someone's memory, and tell a person you trust where to find them. I have friends in their fifties and sixties who found a genuinely clever way through all of this. They told their adult kids about their wishes and what was in their wills via a family group text, agreeing to save the real questions for when they were together at the cottage for the family vacation. Nobody had to maintain composure across a formal dinner table. They just laid it out in writing, then filled in the details around campfires and silly card games. Then, at the next big family gathering, actual Post-it notes started appearing on furniture around the house. Someone had written their name on artwork. Someone else claimed the good armchair. What could have been a heavy, tense conversation turned into a full-blown Post-it war, with siblings calling dibs on Grandma’s lamp with the same energy usually reserved for calling shotgun on the front seat. Turns out you can talk about who gets what without anyone needing a box of tissues in the room. Same Family, Different Kind of Love None of this is easy, and none of it should be. If it were simple, someone would have written the manual I was looking for in part one. But easy was never the goal. The goal is to show up for the people who showed up for you, with enough light in the room that nobody has to keep pretending the elephant is not there. Part one was about the everyday chaos, the stuff that makes you laugh even as it drives you slightly insane. This part is about the quieter, harder stuff: the paperwork and the conversations that do not come with a punchline. But it all comes from the same place. Every bit of it, the freezer-burned shrimp and the power of attorney alike, is really just love wearing a very inconvenient disguise. So have the conversations, write things down, and get a real lawyer to make it official. Ask the open questions, then listen to the answers. And when it is done, or as done as these things ever get, go ahead and have dessert first. Life is too short and far too unpredictable to save the best part for last. Warmly, Sue My Book is Available for Pre-Order I hope you will consider pre-ordering a copy of Your Retirement Reset for you, a friend or loved one. It's available September 29, 2026 published by ECW Press - You can now order at Indigo or Amazon. And if you love supporting Canadian booksellers, please also check with your local independent bookstore. Most can easily order it for you.

Aug 26, 2026

8 min

Parenting Your Parents: When Did I Become the Adult?

My mother used to take her cordless phone with her when she went out for lunch. One day I finally asked why. “Well, I might need to make a phone call,” she explained. I said it was a cordless phone, not a cell phone, and that it only worked in her house. She looked at me with a completely blank expression. I tried again. She listened politely, though I’m still not entirely convinced she believed me. Her smile never reached her eyes. Then there were the calls for technical support. Mom would phone because she couldn’t get the television to work, and I would patiently walk her through using the remote. Press the button at the top. Nothing. The red button. I don’t have a red button. Twenty minutes later, it finally occurred to me to ask what she was holding. Her cell phone. We laughed about these things, and they were funny. They still are. But something else was happening that neither of us wanted to acknowledge. Slowly, I was becoming the person who worried about my mother, checked on things, and occasionally told her what she should or shouldn’t do. In other words, I was parenting my parent, though I’m quite sure she would have objected to that job description. This stage of life brings plenty of drama and absolutely no instructions. No pre-retirement class, no baby shower, and, disappointingly, no one arrives with useful equipment. You just wake up one day and realize you are telling the woman who once taught you to cross the street that she might not be safe driving at night. The Driving Dilemma Few conversations test family diplomacy quite like asking a parent whether they should still be driving, and I sometimes wish my MBA program offered a course on it. They will tell you they are excellent drivers. The garbage cans, curbs, garage door and passenger-side mirror may tell a slightly different story. Driving means independence: spontaneous trips to the grocery store, visits with friends, appointments, and the simple freedom to go somewhere without asking anyone. I learned that there is a difference between what makes me nervous or impatient and what is actually unsafe. Getting lost in a familiar neighbourhood, repeatedly hitting things, missing signals, or becoming confused behind the wheel are very different. Canadian Automobile Association (CAA) offers a useful senior driving resource and assessment toolkit that can help older drivers and their families assess driving ability, changing skills, and ways to adapt. I like the idea of introducing objective information into the discussion. It may go over better than announcing that the children have held a meeting and voted Mom or Dad off the highway. Technology: Funny Until It Wasn’t Technology gave my mother and I some of our funniest moments. The cordless phone going to lunch and the cell phone masquerading as the television remote were classics. Often, my first instinct was to grab the device causing the problem and fix it myself. That solved the problem quickly, but it didn’t help her the next time. Writing down a few steps, simplifying them, and repeating them, sometimes many times, worked better. A checklist taped beside the television could save both of us a lot of grief. Confusion about phones, email, texting and social media could leave her vulnerable to fraud, too. Today’s scams are sophisticated enough that none of us should be too smug about spotting them. I tried to establish a simple habit with Mom: if something looks strange, urgent, frightening or too good to be true, stop and check with someone before clicking, paying or sharing information. I wanted Mom to enjoy technology and stay connected, not be afraid of it. The trick was adding a few guardrails without wrapping the entire Internet in yellow caution tape. The Great Grocery Store Standoff I am a bit of a health nut, which made counselling my mother about nutrition particularly ironic, since I come by it honestly. Mom was the original health-food nut. We called her the wheat-germ fanatic. Wheat germ came onto the scene in the 70s, and as far as Mom was concerned, there was no food that couldn’t be improved with a generous helping. There were four of us kids, and we tolerated a lot in the name of good health, but we finally drew the line when the spaghetti sauce became so chewy from wheat germ that we couldn’t eat it. Then there was powdered milk. We didn’t always have a blender, so it didn’t mix particularly well. We called it clumpy milk. Fast-forward a few decades, and there I was, the daughter of the wheat germ fanatic, lecturing my mother on fruits, vegetables, protein and regular meals. She had her own standards too. Anyone caught buttering bread in her kitchen got a quick lesson in technique, right to the crust, she would say, watching closely until you got every corner. Mom understood healthy eating just fine. What had changed was her ability to manage it, and keeping food safe had become harder. Her freezer became so full that she eventually secured the door with bungee cords. Bungee cords have many legitimate uses, but appliance repair isn’t one of them. The door sometimes didn’t close properly, and food would spoil. Mom periodically complained about what she called her “morning flu,” and I began to wonder whether it had less to do with a virus and more to do with whatever archaeological specimen she had defrosted for dinner. The comedy had a serious side too. Health Canada’s food-safety guidance for adults 60 and over explains that older adults may be more vulnerable to serious complications from foodborne illness and offers practical advice on storage, leftovers and safer food choices (Health Canada, 2025). It also notes that you can’t always tell whether food is safe by its look, smell or taste. Mom’s standard was somewhat simpler: “It looks fine.” She also loved giving food away. I would leave her house carrying freezer-burned shrimp, a grey object that may once have been beef, and mystery packages from an unknown decade. Eventually, I told my brothers to stop arguing and accept everything Mom offered. Smile, say thank you, and take it home. What happened between her front door and our dinner plates was our business. I didn’t have to win every argument. Sometimes a workaround did more than another lecture and helped Mom keep some control over her own life. Then There Was Dad My dad presented a different set of challenges. He had a stroke at 66 that left him with no mobility on his left side and very limited speech. His understanding was fine, but getting words out was difficult. However, there were two words he could say particularly well: “beer” and “Susie.” I’m not sure what it says about me that I made the shortlist, but I’ve always taken it as a compliment. Communication could be frustrating for both of us because Dad knew exactly what he wanted to say, even when he couldn’t express it. He liked wearing the same clothes repeatedly, sometimes long after the stains on the front suggested it was time to change. Telling your father that he needs a clean shirt or a bath requires a particular kind of diplomacy that even graduate school does not teach. Helping the man who once looked after you with something as personal as bathing is strange and tender in equal measure. You want to protect his dignity, but you also can’t pretend hygiene doesn’t matter. I found it worked better when I didn’t turn it into a debate. I could make it part of the day, help where he needed it, and move on. It wasn’t always graceful. Sometimes he was annoyed. Sometimes I was. We figured it out, and his toenails were trimmed. Dad also developed a dessert philosophy I have never been able to disprove. He insisted on eating dessert first. When I suggested he might want to eat his dinner before dessert, his reasoning was simple: “Well, I can’t be sure I’ll make it to dessert, so I’m going to eat it first.” Fair enough, Dad. Have the pie. When the Funny Stuff Stops Being Funny This is the uncomfortable part of parenting your parents. One forgotten lunch may mean nothing. Regularly forgetting to eat is different. One confused encounter with a television remote is hilarious. Increasing confusion across several areas of daily life deserves attention. I found it more useful to look for patterns than to panic over every incident. With Mom, we tried using checklists on the fridge and Meals on Wheels. Then I would arrive to find six or seven meals sitting uneaten in the refrigerator, starting to spoil. Getting help didn’t mean I could stop paying attention. We had solved one problem, but not necessarily the whole problem. It helps to know you are not the only family trying to figure this out. It is easy to assume that if Mom or Dad won’t listen to our brilliant advice, we must be doing something wrong. Our parents are still adults. They don’t suddenly become compliant just because they reach a certain age. I had to learn when to push, when to seek help, when to quietly remove the questionable shrimp, and, perhaps hardest of all, when to keep my mouth shut. I Would Take It All Back Both of my parents are gone now, and time has reshaped how I remember those years. There were days when I was exasperated and frustrated, sometimes to tears. I worried. We argued. I wondered why they wouldn’t listen and whether I was helping or simply making everyone miserable. Watching the people you love lose pieces of their independence is hard, and trying to help without taking over can be even harder. Now I would give almost anything to have some of those moments back. I’d happily explain the television remote again. I’d take another package of freezer-burned shrimp without complaint. I’d negotiate another bath with Dad, let him wear the questionable shirt for one more day, and watch him eat his dessert first. If you are in the middle of parenting your own parents, I don’t have a perfect formula for you. Pay attention when something feels different, protect their safety without forgetting their dignity, and pick the battles that really matter enough to let the rest go. And laugh with them whenever you can, because some of this really is funny, even when it is also difficult and sad. At the time, I often thought I was dealing with problems that needed fixing. Looking back, I can see something else, too. Those frustrating, ridiculous, worrying little moments were also time spent with my mom and dad. I didn’t know how much I would miss them until there were no more remotes to explain, desserts to debate, or mystery packages to remove from the freezer. I’d take the whole messy job back in a heartbeat. Even the clumpy milk. Warmly, Sue This is Part 1. I have a Part 2 that covers what nobody wants to talk about at dinner: who gets power of attorney, how you divide the work with siblings without a family blow-up, whether Mom or Dad should stay in their own home, and what all of this does to the person doing the parenting. I promise there is less shrimp in that one. My Book is Available for Pre-Order I hope you will consider pre-ordering a copy of Your Retirement Reset for you, a friend or loved one. It's available September 29, 2026 published by ECW Press - You can now order at Indigo or Amazon. And if you love supporting Canadian booksellers, please also check with your local independent bookstore. Most can easily order it for you.

View all posts